in the eyes of others and ourselves. When loved in this way, we typically come to believe that who we are and what we do are significant and matter in our world. Sadly, other, more sinister uses of love, more often than not, create just the opposite. They are the selfish, exploiting, or manipulative forms of love that typically result in us feeling guilty, used, or manipulated. They are often seen in conditional phrases starting with, “If you loved me than you would….” or its nefarious cousin “Do you still love me?” So how do we know which is which? I mean, let’s be honest. There are some real gifted manipulators and some who truly, powerfully love and sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between the two.

One way to begin to discern is by looking at how we feel about what is said or done. As I noted above, many times our emotions can be good first indicators of a direction but sometimes emotions can mislead (especially for those of us who wear our hearts on our sleeves or tend to stuff emotions and process the world more with their head). So how do we know which is which? How do we know when pure selfless love is the motivation rather than adulterated selfish love? One way that I have found effective is watch what is done rather than listening to what is said. Many of us have seen that passage from the Bible in 1 Corinthians 13, “the love chapter,” on the back of wedding bulletins, on wall plaques decorating someone’s walls in their home or office. But if leveraged properly, it can be an incredible tool to measure what love looks like in the actions of oneself or others. Let me show you what I mean:

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. (ESV)

After reading this, you can see why it would be sung about in weddings and hung on walls for all to see. It’s a great set of ideals that express our hopes and dreams for a relationship. But beyond that, the actions listed above also serve as a powerful tool by which we can gauge our own actions and the actions of others. And, if we learn to pay attention to how well we live out those actions, we can more quickly determine what type of love we’re dealing with. Let me show you what I mean:

• The first element we see for Love is patience. The word in the original Greek is literally “Long Tempered.” People who truly love choose to forbear or be patient with others. Are you and yours patient with or Long Tempered with mistakes you each make or do you find yourself blowing up more easily than perhaps you should?
• Next, Love is kind. The word literally means to make one’s-self useful toward or act with a benevolent attitude toward someone in word or action. Do you and yours do good and not harm to each other?
• Love does not envy. The Greek word behind this idea is “dzay’-los” (where we get our English word Zealous). It suggests a zealousness toward or jealousy of someone else’s stuff or situation. Do you and yours look at each other and burn with a desire to be anything or anywhere else than where you currently are?
• Love does not boast about itself. The eyes of one who loves are focused on the needs around them and not focused on telling the world how much good they’. Do you and yours focus more on yourselves or the building up of others?
• Love is not arrogant or rude is a translation of one Greek word that essentially means one doesn’t behave in an unbecoming manner.  You and yours should act in a way consistent with your level of maturity. Do you?
• Love doesn’t insist on its own way. I picture a three year old on the floor in the middle of a grocery aisle refusing to budge until her desired candy bar is in the cart. Do you and yours yield to each other’s needs or do you, like the toddler pout and sulk or even scream until you get your way?
• Love isn’t irritable or resentful. The idea here is of someone not easily provoked to anger. Are you and yours always poking at each other trying to get a rise out of them? Do you not disappoint when provoked and retaliate with a fierce retribution, because after all, they asked for it?
• Love doesn’t rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. Two different words are used in the Greek language for “rejoice”. The first literally means “happy” or “well with” wrongdoing. The second word is where we get our English word “synchronize” and it means “sympathizes with gladness” or “rejoices in.” Do you and yours find joy in living honestly with each other and others or do you find happiness in living a lie emotionally (i.e. “How are you?” “Fine” …even though you know you’re not)?
• Love bears, believes, hopes, and endures all things. Interestingly enough, in the Greek “all things” is listed before each word suggesting emphasis on what is forbore, hoped, and endured. When it comes to you and yours do you believe that love will remain steadfast through everything?

With Valentine’s Day approaching, it’s easy to get caught up in the mentality of bigger the gift, the greater the love, but that only lasts so long and will be gone before your favorite retailer can tear down their Valentine’s Day displays. Real love, love that never fails, is demonstrated in daily action. If you’re wondering, “Does he really love me?” or “Does she still love me after what happened?” Look at the actions and see how closely they line up to the actions above. If they need a little work, what specific steps can you take to be a better lover?

And thanks for reading – I’d “Love” to know if these blogs are helpful.